I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
