Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
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