Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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