my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I got inside last night via doggy door
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
