I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
