she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You pole danced in your parka.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
