do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Why is there bacon in the couch?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize