Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
