I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
