I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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