i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
