my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
