She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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