When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
