I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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