My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
