how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
we're making bets on your personal life
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
