If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
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