You're my little dorito
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
