i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
