p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
