I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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