the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
