You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
