dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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