I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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