My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm too high and old for this...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize