She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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