if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
