I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
