i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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