he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Such a big mess for such a small penis
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
