just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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