Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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