tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
