is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
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