he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Randomize
