Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I think people are normalizing furries
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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