I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
