Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
