Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
