I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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