can we get nightvision for the apartment?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Randomize
