if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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