Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Randomize
