my phone needs a breathalizer
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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