Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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