so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
