I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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