i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
