i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
