Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
