I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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