he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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