normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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