Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
