Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i think my mom watched the whole time
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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