and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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