i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize