It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize