I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
