Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
