I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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