There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
