Yo dont text me then not text me
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
